1. I love iced nonfat caramel macciatos so much I could almost rationalize spending $3.50 each day on one.
2. I like being a girl.
3. Point of Grace (the band) scares me
4. Before all the hype with all the movies, my favorite superhero was and still is Spider Man.
5. My top three (okay... 5) movies are Good Will Hunting, About Schmidt, and a tie between Garden State & Butterfly Effect and LOR trilogy
6. If I could choose any era to live in (other than today), I'd pick the reformation era.
7. I would love to have a big family...maybe 9 kids...that way no one is spoiled...including me :)
8. I hate cheese
9. One band for the rest of my life?... it would be Caedmon's Call/Derek Webb
10. I love mountains...If I had my way, I'd move to Washington or Colorado for the rest of my life.
11. I love hugs & kisses
12. Quality time is the best way to love me
13. I could eat a hambuger & fries every day...I just don't because its not good for me.
14. Out side of Scripture, Holy the Firm by Annie Dillard is the best book/novel ever- it absolutely changed my life
15. Calvinist through & through
16. Green is so beautiful
17. I am ready & wating for heaven, in all honesty.
18. The rest are soon to come.... Ohhh- I know how to keep you in suspense! :)
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
emotional music
There is something about Caedmon's Call's song "Only One-Holy One" that makes me feel heaven. Its like I put that song in and I feel immediatly brought back to the concert where I heard it performed for the first time. They made a light show/display match the emotions/words in the song as they played- The light would pulse when they played music that pulsed- and the music pulsed just as the words talk about that longing for heaven- like an inevitable bliss that is here, but not yet fully realized. When they move from earthly perspective to heavenly perspective the light begins looking down on the floor -showing all over the floor-and then all of a sudden it comes up and flashes the audience in bright light, blinding, pure white light and finally points straight up sending light everywhere on the ceiling- which spreads light all over the room. It took a lot to hold back the tears. HOW DO THEY DO IT? It is almost as if their very music is so intentional that it plays on the deep theology in every word, chord, beat and strum- it all matches. The emotions are so appropriate.
I like to drive in to work listening to Chris Tomlin- I'm not a big fan of all the new "worship waves" but Chris Tomlin has a quality about him. As I fly at 35 miles per hour on the glistening lake front of Chicago's part of Lake Michigan, I often find its the best part of my day. Its on my journey to work that I am most grabbed at how much I need Jesus- as my body wakes up, my wicked heart wakes up with it. I wish I could just let that part of me sleep in- permanently. There are some days when I know I wake it up on purpose- somedays I even shake it awake asking it to come play with my depraved mind. So these morning drives, I find are important to me-
To the left of me as I drive in are mammoth sized buildings to my right and and a crystal sea to my right. I like looking to the right much better- His mightly fingerprints are all over it- oh, Draw me Lord.
I like to drive in to work listening to Chris Tomlin- I'm not a big fan of all the new "worship waves" but Chris Tomlin has a quality about him. As I fly at 35 miles per hour on the glistening lake front of Chicago's part of Lake Michigan, I often find its the best part of my day. Its on my journey to work that I am most grabbed at how much I need Jesus- as my body wakes up, my wicked heart wakes up with it. I wish I could just let that part of me sleep in- permanently. There are some days when I know I wake it up on purpose- somedays I even shake it awake asking it to come play with my depraved mind. So these morning drives, I find are important to me-
To the left of me as I drive in are mammoth sized buildings to my right and and a crystal sea to my right. I like looking to the right much better- His mightly fingerprints are all over it- oh, Draw me Lord.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Suicide is in fashion this year
Is it just me or is taking your own life a little more common than it should be?
In March I lost a friend named Clark Stacy to this disease called suicide. I was shocked as he was popular, good looking, smart and so many other good qualities. The school was shocked, but yet not really phased. He was just a few weeks from graduation and when the students came back from spring break they heard the awful news. The institution handeled it as well as they could have...no matter how much planning you do on a "P.R." end, people's emotions and reactions can never be staged or planned. We asked why, we cried, we were angry, we cried more and then we moved on.
After my mother's death in highschool (which was not a suicide) I kept praying that the pain would never go away because I knew I would feel guilty if I allowed myself to move on no matter how supposedly healthy everyone said it would be. I was afraid that once the pain went away, it would be like she never existed and I would just be half -orphan whose life was never touched, influenced or loved by a mother.
Yesterday was July 4th, indepence day or as I called it in Highschool..."yeah America day." On the way to a famliar spot in Itasca to see fireworks (the best kept secret in the suburbs on the 4th of July) I was very near the old neighborhood I grew up in. I asked my two friends with me if they wouldn't mind if I went to go look at the old house in Bloomingdale. They said it was fine...we had plenty of time before fireworks started.
When we pulled up in front of my old house a stream of memories flooded back to me. "Mom, what is this bug with the weird horns?" "Dad, pull me behind the tractor on my cart!" Look Jeff! I'm shorter than the maple tree now!" That maple tree my mom planted the year I was born. It was a big healthy tree planed almost right in the middle of the front yard. My parents did amazing landscaping together...I think they loved each other most when they were outside in the mud making the yard look beautiful. So when we pulled up and the maple tree was only a stump and the beautiful flower garden my mom and I helped my dad maintain every year was overgrown and ugly I realized again, in one of those realization moments, that I had changed and my world had changed. My front yard was the safest place in the world to me at one point. It now looked so different that I didn't even want to keep my eyes open...I just wanted to sniff the flowers and the pines my parents planted and remember what it was like. In a moment, as my eyes were fixed shut I swore I heard little Naomi say, "Jamie, lets make mud pies and then swim in my kiddie pool!" And I thought I heard Russell and Mark yell to me to come over so we could play cops & robbers or rummycube. I could envision Aaron (who we called Arrow then later Pharoah then Aarow the Pharoah), Stephen and Vicky (who we called Perry, but I'm not sure why) in their swim suits coming back from the pool ready to explore with us.
I opened my eyes and the maple tree was still gone.
I looked over at Russell and Vicky's house and was curious to see if they still lived there... then out walks Russell. I jump out of the car and slowly walk toward him and say "Russell?" He said, "Jamie?" our faces said "Woah." He asked how I was doing and I told him I was doing well, I asked him how he was, what the "hood" was like. He said, " Oh, uh...Mark died a few weeks ago." I asked what happened and Russell told me that he was smoking rocks and he had tried to kill himself before and with the combination of other things he was taking his heart couldn't take it. My dear Mark, my heart cannot take this.
I read his obit today...even though I cried myself to sleep last night, it just became all the more real when I saw it there in black and white this morning.
I began the blame game. It's my fault, I was alwasy such a bad witness...shoving legalism down his non-saved 12 year old throat maybe turning him off to "religion" forever. I never let him just be a sinner...no back then I poked and prodded and beat that dead horse. He came to youth group for a whole summer with me despite my obvious innability to be Christ-like. He would go outside in the middle of it to smoke (at age 15 or 16). One night I told him no more smoking while we are at church, "if you do you can't come anymore!" What kind of garbage was that? That was anything but christianity! I am just sad at that person I was. I can blame myself.
I can blame the public school system. How may people have to take their own life before the good old public school system gets the hint that telling people that they descended from monkeys really destroys self worth. What a worthless existence to believe we came from sludge. To me, knowing I was created on purpose in the image of God gives me reason to believe that my life is at least worth a little something. But when you are told that your grandpa was the lead role in the Planet of the Apes it's a little hard to believe your life has value.
I can blame God, but nothing good ever comes of that, I will rather ask "why?" knowing I will never know.
I can blame forever...
So, thats two friends within a matter of 3+ months. What is going on?
In March I lost a friend named Clark Stacy to this disease called suicide. I was shocked as he was popular, good looking, smart and so many other good qualities. The school was shocked, but yet not really phased. He was just a few weeks from graduation and when the students came back from spring break they heard the awful news. The institution handeled it as well as they could have...no matter how much planning you do on a "P.R." end, people's emotions and reactions can never be staged or planned. We asked why, we cried, we were angry, we cried more and then we moved on.
After my mother's death in highschool (which was not a suicide) I kept praying that the pain would never go away because I knew I would feel guilty if I allowed myself to move on no matter how supposedly healthy everyone said it would be. I was afraid that once the pain went away, it would be like she never existed and I would just be half -orphan whose life was never touched, influenced or loved by a mother.
Yesterday was July 4th, indepence day or as I called it in Highschool..."yeah America day." On the way to a famliar spot in Itasca to see fireworks (the best kept secret in the suburbs on the 4th of July) I was very near the old neighborhood I grew up in. I asked my two friends with me if they wouldn't mind if I went to go look at the old house in Bloomingdale. They said it was fine...we had plenty of time before fireworks started.
When we pulled up in front of my old house a stream of memories flooded back to me. "Mom, what is this bug with the weird horns?" "Dad, pull me behind the tractor on my cart!" Look Jeff! I'm shorter than the maple tree now!" That maple tree my mom planted the year I was born. It was a big healthy tree planed almost right in the middle of the front yard. My parents did amazing landscaping together...I think they loved each other most when they were outside in the mud making the yard look beautiful. So when we pulled up and the maple tree was only a stump and the beautiful flower garden my mom and I helped my dad maintain every year was overgrown and ugly I realized again, in one of those realization moments, that I had changed and my world had changed. My front yard was the safest place in the world to me at one point. It now looked so different that I didn't even want to keep my eyes open...I just wanted to sniff the flowers and the pines my parents planted and remember what it was like. In a moment, as my eyes were fixed shut I swore I heard little Naomi say, "Jamie, lets make mud pies and then swim in my kiddie pool!" And I thought I heard Russell and Mark yell to me to come over so we could play cops & robbers or rummycube. I could envision Aaron (who we called Arrow then later Pharoah then Aarow the Pharoah), Stephen and Vicky (who we called Perry, but I'm not sure why) in their swim suits coming back from the pool ready to explore with us.
I opened my eyes and the maple tree was still gone.
I looked over at Russell and Vicky's house and was curious to see if they still lived there... then out walks Russell. I jump out of the car and slowly walk toward him and say "Russell?" He said, "Jamie?" our faces said "Woah." He asked how I was doing and I told him I was doing well, I asked him how he was, what the "hood" was like. He said, " Oh, uh...Mark died a few weeks ago." I asked what happened and Russell told me that he was smoking rocks and he had tried to kill himself before and with the combination of other things he was taking his heart couldn't take it. My dear Mark, my heart cannot take this.
I read his obit today...even though I cried myself to sleep last night, it just became all the more real when I saw it there in black and white this morning.
I began the blame game. It's my fault, I was alwasy such a bad witness...shoving legalism down his non-saved 12 year old throat maybe turning him off to "religion" forever. I never let him just be a sinner...no back then I poked and prodded and beat that dead horse. He came to youth group for a whole summer with me despite my obvious innability to be Christ-like. He would go outside in the middle of it to smoke (at age 15 or 16). One night I told him no more smoking while we are at church, "if you do you can't come anymore!" What kind of garbage was that? That was anything but christianity! I am just sad at that person I was. I can blame myself.
I can blame the public school system. How may people have to take their own life before the good old public school system gets the hint that telling people that they descended from monkeys really destroys self worth. What a worthless existence to believe we came from sludge. To me, knowing I was created on purpose in the image of God gives me reason to believe that my life is at least worth a little something. But when you are told that your grandpa was the lead role in the Planet of the Apes it's a little hard to believe your life has value.
I can blame God, but nothing good ever comes of that, I will rather ask "why?" knowing I will never know.
I can blame forever...
So, thats two friends within a matter of 3+ months. What is going on?
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Godly Femininity
Im reading Captivating right now by John & Stacy Eldredge If any of you out there know me, you're tilting your head sideways saying " is this really Jamie?" Yes, I'm reading one of those books. I have to say, it's bringing up a lot of issues I've thought about myself. I recommend that men read this book.
I wonder sometimes if life is really this formulaic...they say its not a "ten step" book, but advice is given and it flows logical. It also gives you practical things to do. So, their aren't numbers per say, but at least its disguised well!
A good...no a great guy friend of mine told me that he is just looking for a big sweetheart. I thought to myself, well good luck, because sweethearts are those girls that have never had anything crappy happen to them...you know the kind of crap that just kicks the sweetness right out of you. It made me wonder...here is this pretty normal guy, do all men want this? Does every man want a sweetheart? I'm sorry then. I've been scarred in every area of life and reality is just too real.
Maybe I'm just equating "being sweet" to naivete. Maybe I don't see the sweetness in me and when I try it's like sweet and low...that fake stuff that just doesn't taste the same.
But deep down inside I'm that little girl that wants a handsome prince to come "rescue" me. I want a man that can show me a thing or two about theology. I want a man who will not be passive and step up and take the role as leader. I want a guy who isn't afraid of my less than smooth past and can see the beauty it's made me. I may not win optimist of the year, but I don't feel like I'm all that hard.
Just treat me like woman and then maybe I'll respond like a woman. You know, open doors...pay the tax for food when you are just splitting the bill...give me your hand when I'm scared...push my hair from my eyes when I cry and ask whats wrong... offer your jacket when I'm cold and don't take no for an answer. And yes, all these things are and can be done by guys who are "just friends."
I'm not mad at my guy friend, I actually feel like a better person when I'm with him...I feel feminine.
His tenderhearted masculinity and strength draws upon my hidden & suppressed femininity. It's slowly coming out. I'm so thankful for my friend. God is using His body to help me become who he designed me to be.
At the same time I wonder too how these trials I've gone through have defined me to an extent but also really helped make me into the person God wants me to be.
I wonder sometimes if life is really this formulaic...they say its not a "ten step" book, but advice is given and it flows logical. It also gives you practical things to do. So, their aren't numbers per say, but at least its disguised well!
A good...no a great guy friend of mine told me that he is just looking for a big sweetheart. I thought to myself, well good luck, because sweethearts are those girls that have never had anything crappy happen to them...you know the kind of crap that just kicks the sweetness right out of you. It made me wonder...here is this pretty normal guy, do all men want this? Does every man want a sweetheart? I'm sorry then. I've been scarred in every area of life and reality is just too real.
Maybe I'm just equating "being sweet" to naivete. Maybe I don't see the sweetness in me and when I try it's like sweet and low...that fake stuff that just doesn't taste the same.
But deep down inside I'm that little girl that wants a handsome prince to come "rescue" me. I want a man that can show me a thing or two about theology. I want a man who will not be passive and step up and take the role as leader. I want a guy who isn't afraid of my less than smooth past and can see the beauty it's made me. I may not win optimist of the year, but I don't feel like I'm all that hard.
Just treat me like woman and then maybe I'll respond like a woman. You know, open doors...pay the tax for food when you are just splitting the bill...give me your hand when I'm scared...push my hair from my eyes when I cry and ask whats wrong... offer your jacket when I'm cold and don't take no for an answer. And yes, all these things are and can be done by guys who are "just friends."
I'm not mad at my guy friend, I actually feel like a better person when I'm with him...I feel feminine.
His tenderhearted masculinity and strength draws upon my hidden & suppressed femininity. It's slowly coming out. I'm so thankful for my friend. God is using His body to help me become who he designed me to be.
At the same time I wonder too how these trials I've gone through have defined me to an extent but also really helped make me into the person God wants me to be.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
So, blog, blog blog...
The city has gotten to me.
I woke up one day and realized I live in Chicago...the 3rd or 4th largest city in the United States. After 5 years it finally hit me. Many people would never dream of ever living in some place as big as this and some people do dream of it, but never gather up the courage to pack thier bags and go. How did I get here?
School in the city is different. It's like you don't even live there, you're just a separate entity inside of something bigger- like D.C. and Maryland. D.C. isn't Maryland, but surrounded mostly by it. Then you get out of school and most of your friends leave. You learn what the word alone means. Then you adjust, you get new friends, you move on. I've been moving on for 2 years now. Everything seems glamourous again: the night lights shining on Lake Michigan are brilliant, the ferris wheel is fun again and not something I've done 200 times, getting ice cream on a warm summer night brings the same excitement as when I was eight.
The sirens are like a nice lullaby at night-time now; its hard to fall asleep in complete quiet. Walking around drunk people on Saturday night is normal. Chicago is home.
The city has gotten to me.
I woke up one day and realized I live in Chicago...the 3rd or 4th largest city in the United States. After 5 years it finally hit me. Many people would never dream of ever living in some place as big as this and some people do dream of it, but never gather up the courage to pack thier bags and go. How did I get here?
School in the city is different. It's like you don't even live there, you're just a separate entity inside of something bigger- like D.C. and Maryland. D.C. isn't Maryland, but surrounded mostly by it. Then you get out of school and most of your friends leave. You learn what the word alone means. Then you adjust, you get new friends, you move on. I've been moving on for 2 years now. Everything seems glamourous again: the night lights shining on Lake Michigan are brilliant, the ferris wheel is fun again and not something I've done 200 times, getting ice cream on a warm summer night brings the same excitement as when I was eight.
The sirens are like a nice lullaby at night-time now; its hard to fall asleep in complete quiet. Walking around drunk people on Saturday night is normal. Chicago is home.
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